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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25981219">Hiss Hiss Bish</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berserkwriting/pseuds/Berserkwriting'>Berserkwriting</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bottom Charles, Charles doesn't understand gay, Crack, Erik is Crushing Harder than a 12-year Old Girl, First Time, Further tags contain spoilers, Honestly Charles What Are You Thinking, I'm walking a very dangerous line here, M/M, Protective Erik, SNAKE Charles, SNAKE Erik, Snake People?, Snakes?, Top Erik, Unrepentant X-Men quotes in the wrong context, You Decide, charles is a little shit, this is literally just satire and porn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 11:27:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,190</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25981219</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Berserkwriting/pseuds/Berserkwriting</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on the prompt:<br/>Did you know?<br/>Male garter snakes that need extra warmth after hibernating will mimic females in order to trick other males into trying to mate with them so they can cuddle and steal their body heat.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>103</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hiss Hiss Bish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>****IMPORTANT NOTE****<br/>This story is NOT written in first person. Only the intro (first few paragraphs) is like that. Both Charles and I are overdramatic bitches and he needed a good self-intro.<br/>So there you have it. Enjoy~</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  
</p>
<p>     Hello, my name is Charles and I’m a garter snake – a California red-sided garter snake (if you must know). And it appears that I’ve woken up early this season - again. Fortune often seems to shine on me. I guess I’m just one of those chosen few that get all the luck. I’m not exaggerating, really. For example, I’m one of the select few garter snakes that can manipulate pheromones - and if you know anything about garter snakes, then you know that we <em>live </em>by pheromone communication. If you <em>don’t </em>know anything about garter snakes then shut up and listen (or you can go look up garter snakes on Wikipedia or whatever it is you moronic humans usually do, I don’t bloody well care). You see, I can produce both male and female pheromones (it’s a rather groovy mutation).</p>
<p>     Now, this is wonderful for two reasons: first of all, snakes like me happen to have quite a lot more luck with… well, getting lucky. My father was the same as I, and just about every snake in my home town was his child… so yeah, pheromone manipulation is no joke. I had to move to another state just to find some women that didn’t share the same gene pool. (Well, if I’m being honest, the reason I’m in North Dakota is because some hippy-dippy grad students from Oxford picked me up as a child and brought me here, poked and prodded – AKA studied – me for a few years, and then released me back into the wild… perhaps that’s why I have this posh accent………………. whatever, I like the way I talk.)</p>
<p>     Secondly, by producing female pheromones, one can… manipulate other males for quite a while before they actually catch on… and it usually takes them a while to do so (if ever). I swear, the snakes around these parts are complete idiots. And a lack of a brain in one of them means an easy target for me.</p>
<p>     Now, my ability is especially useful right after brumation (that’s hibernation for reptiles, in case you didn’t know). You see, we snakes are cold blooded and it’s hard for us to get up and move around if we have no warmth. So, immediately after brumation, when it’s just starting to warm up outside but it’s still a bit nippy, most of us are a tad groggy. That’s where my talents come into play.</p>
<p>     As soon as they wake up, the dolts come swarming in my direction, thinking they’re going to get some tail (female hormones will do that to a poor chap). Little do they know, they’re in for a letdown; it’s just little old me. And after the males have spent all their energy trying (and failing) to copulate (which is pretty much, just them awkwardly grinding against me as I do my best to ignore it), they just settle for cuddling (which is called kleptothermy, by the way – read a book). And by the end of it, I’ve sufficiently stolen all their body heat. It’s a pretty simple con. Hey, it’s not like I can help it. If they want to give their warmth to me, then that’s their choice. Call me heartless, but a snake’s got to eat… or in this case fuck, because as soon as I’m warmed up and ready to go, it’s “Hello ladies”.</p>
<p>     You see, the sad thing about garter snakes is that, when mating, there’s usually about twenty five males per female, which creates a scene that’s a cross between a mosh pit and an orgy (more like sausage party), which is rather distasteful in my opinion. And as you can imagine, there are quite a lot of miffed meat-heads that use violence to compete for dominance and that’s just not my cup of tea. I’m a lover, not a fighter.</p>
<p>     And I <em>don’t</em> wait in line.</p>
<p>     Lucky for me, I’ve never had to. Thanks to my “gift”, I always get a head start before the swarms – warmed up and ready to go (from my competitors, no less) before the majority can get their groggy asses moving. I have never – not even once – had to share a woman. Can you say brilliant?</p>
<p>     Thank God for genetics. And thank God I inherited the good stuff from that old man-whore of a dad. I hope you’re having fun in that orgy in the sky father… if not, just die already and leave some women for the rest of us.</p>
<p>     So anyways, as I was saying: the air is crisp and the forest, silent. It seems I’ve woken up <em>extra </em>early this spring. And the end of brumation means only one thing: mating season. This is going to be a good year, I can feel it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>***</p>
<p>     “A good year…”</p>
<p>     Charles trudged over the same hollow tree trunk for the third time that hour, mumbling to himself sourly. The thing had an oddly phallic quality to it's shape, which had given him a good laugh the first round. "Appropriate for the season", he'd quipped. But the dick-tree really lost its novelty after its second appearance. </p>
<p>     “A good year… is what I said, <strong><em>but what the hell is this</em></strong><em>?!</em> It’s been four days since I came out of my den and I haven’t even <em>seen </em>another snake, garter or otherwise. Did the Apocalypse happen while I was asleep? Have I been Left Behind?!”</p>
<p>     He slapped the hollow base of the tree with a loud thud.</p>
<p>     “Come on guys, I don’t have the energy for this shite! Someone come out already!”</p>
<p>     He was met with silence, a chill brushing up his spine. He shivered in the light breeze.</p>
<p>     <em>Christ, it's cold.</em></p>
<p>     This was strange. He knew at least a few nests of snakes lived in the area. It made absolutely no sense.</p>
<p>     “Where did everyone<strong> go?!</strong>” he shouted into the empty forest.</p>
<p>     Charles rubbed circles into his temples, trying to work the cogs of his groggy, cold-slow mind.</p>
<p>     <em>Think... Thiiiink.</em></p>
<p>     He could head further east but he would soon reach the mountains – which he didn’t have the energy to climb – and the river to the west should still be frozen over, so that was a no-go. Sure, his den may have been in a rather strange spot, but it had never been a problem before. Everyone had always come to him. He sighed, exhausted, finally giving up and plopping himself down on the hard base of his ridiculous tree friend. There was a joke somewhere there, something about wood... hard wood? Morning wood? But sadly Charles didn't even have the mental energies to put together a proper pun and that was honestly depressing. </p>
<p>     “But seriously, what happened to everyone?” he mumbled.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Could it have been a pr—</em>
</p>
<p>     In the middle of that thought, as if called by fate, a rustling noise came from behind him. Charles shot back up, mind alert as he turned toward the direction of the sound.</p>
<p>
  <em>    —edator?</em>
</p>
<p>     But as he faced the bush – his eyes searching for movement – he found nothing there. He didn’t know whether to be relieved or let down.</p>
<p>     As his nerves began to settle, he picked up a scent... male. A smug grin curled up the side of Charles’ mouth.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Check…</em>
</p>
<p>     He amplified his own sent. The sound of the other male’s movements grew louder as it drew closer, lured from the bushes in search of the (not) female. As soon as the other’s face came into view, Charles knew: he had him.</p>
<p>
  <em>     … and mate (pun not intended).</em>
</p>
<p>     Oh yes, the stranger was completely under Charles’ spell – hook, line, and sinker. The look on the large snake’s face was absolutely debauched, a freshman in his first hotbox. The guy must have been completely lost in Charles’ scent. The male’s unsteady legs swayed as hungry grey eyes ate up the sight of Charles like a piece of juicy meat. The poor thing was barely lucid - pupils blown wide, stare dazed and intense like a man starved. Perhaps it had been having just as hard of a time finding another snake as Charles was… or perhaps it just really liked Charles’ scent. Who knows? Who care—</p>
<p><em>     Wait a minute… grey eyes… </em>steel grey,<em> with silver and yellow scales… it’s a Two-striped? Does that mean it’s from California as well? Either that or Baja California… How did </em>it <em>get here?</em></p>
<p>     Even though, at this moment, Charles’ pert curiosity surpassed his hunger for warmth, he was given little chance to dwell in his musings as the grey stranger pounced. Charles’ spine collided against the hard dirt as they landed, the stranger’s large body crushing his smaller one.</p>
<p>     There was another smell coming from this grey stranger. A light stench of iron emanated from its breath. Now inches from his face, Charles finally noticed what he should have earlier. Deep red smears painted the sides of the Two-striped's mouth. Charles’ eyes widened almost comically.</p>
<p>     It was blood. Blood that smelled like… garter snake.</p>
<p>
  <em>     It… did it… kill them? </em>
</p>
<p>     So there <em>was </em>a predator.  <em>This </em>was the predator.</p>
<p>
  <em>     It’s going to eat me?</em>
</p>
<p>     The killer’s steely, dilated eyes stared down into Charles’ wide blues, its breaths coming out hard and long, a white fog rising from the daunting stranger as its hot breath mixed with the cold air. It dipped its head into the crook of Charles’ neck and inhaled deeply.</p>
<p>     “You smell… sssso good.” It hissed in a low, gravelly voice.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Oh God.</em>
</p>
<p>     Its breath quickened. It pressed more of its weight onto Charles as its teeth dragged languidly across his neck to his collarbone. But Charles couldn’t move, couldn’t run, couldn’t resist. He was frozen in fear.</p>
<p>
  <em>     So this is how a frog feels.</em>
</p>
<p>     He gaped at its sharp teeth, waiting for the moment that the creature's jaw would—</p>
<p>     <em>"Tss"</em> Charles winced at the bony limb digging into his thigh and after a moment, he realized: it was no limb.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Wait… that’s— he’s erect?</em>
</p>
<p>     The large Two-striped leaned back and gripped Charles’ hip, flipping him onto his stomach and settling back on top of him in one smooth motion.</p>
<p>
  <em>     He’s not going to eat me...</em>
</p>
<p>     Charles felt a hand between his shoulder blades. It pushed down, pressing his chest firmly against the ground.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Oh, right. He still thinks I’m a female.</em>
</p>
<p>     The predator ground the length of its body against Charles', its hips shuddering with the rough force of it.</p>
<p>
  <em>     I’m safe?</em>
</p>
<p>     As it perched its chin on his shoulder, its breath again wafted through Charles’ nostrils. The scent of blood stiffened his limbs in fright.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Don’t panic Charles, don’t panic. Play the part. This will just be like every other time; he’ll rub up against you until he tires out and then it will be over – you’ll have warmth and everything will be fine… Never mind the fact that the thing literally breathing down your neck is a blood-starved cannibal who’s eaten <strong>GOD KNOWS HOW MANY OTHERS</strong>— No, calm down… think.  He wouldn’t kill the female he breeds with, that would be detrimental to his own procreation. Everything will be fine… as long as he keeps thinking you’re a female. Just don’t let him find out. Just… don’t make a sound. That’s easy – nothing you haven’t done before. No pressure.</em>
</p>
<p>     The creature above him breathed out raggedly, body trembling with need. Rough, possessive hands grabbed at all the flesh they could, roaming in slow but desperate movements as it pawed at the body caged beneath it. Its fingers traced along Charles’ sides as its thumbs came to rest in the divots of his lower back, pausing above the swell of his arse. Its nose tickled the skin behind Charles’ ear as it inhaled deeply and held for long seconds, taking in Charles’ scent like a hit from the finest drug. The Two-striped's sharp, wiry limbs kneaded against Charles’ softer meat as it shifted on top of him, hips beginning to circle in a slow grind against his arse.</p>
<p>     Charles’ eyes roamed, attempting to find something else to distract himself with as the… “proceedings”… “proceeded”. He turned his vision up to see thin green blades sprouting from the dirt.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Oh, look, spring grass already? It’s a bit early for that, isn’t it?</em>
</p>
<p>     The large predator wrapped its arms around Charles’ shoulders and held him in a vice-like grip, every inch of their skin pressing together as it continued to thrust - a desperate sense of need coursing through its blood. The Two-striped ground down against his smaller form with enough force to bruise – Charles’ hip bones digging into the dirt as his body was pushed forward with each slow movement. Charles opened his mouth to breathe – unable to get enough oxygen through his nose alone – his chest rising and falling in deep succession with the other’s rhythm. The predator’s steady movements began dragging Charles into a distant haze. The friction brought on a lightheaded pleasure as his privates rubbed against the ground in firm, long drags—</p>
<p>
  <em>     Wait, wait, wait, now just wait a minute!</em>
</p>
<p>     Charles blinked repeatedly, trying to clear his head.</p>
<p>
  <em>     I’m not… deriving any pleasure from this… This is just the body’s natural reaction to… to stimulus. Perfectly normal and…</em>
</p>
<p>     The predator gripped the meat of Charles’ waist with bruising fingers, tilting his hips up before settling back on top of him, pushing him further into the floor. This new position angled the tip of Charles’ hardening member against the bare ground. On the next thrust, Charles’ swollen tip pressed crudely against the dirt.</p>
<p>     “Aaaannnh~”</p>
<p>     He froze. The heavy weight on top of him froze as well. Charles’ heart was beating out of his chest.</p>
<p><em>     Did I— was that </em> <strong>me</strong><em>? Did I just— did he <strong>hear</strong>? Oh God<strong>... Does he know?</strong></em></p>
<p>     After a few silent seconds, the predator’s efforts resurfaced, calming Charles’ fear. Had this been any other time, Charles would've been absolutely mortified to have heard such a wanton noise come from his own throat but at the moment, he could only be grateful of the surprisingly feminine sound that escaped him. His cover was still intact.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Oh, thank God.</em>
</p>
<p>     But the predator’s eagerness grew and so did Charles’ little “problem”, the delicate skin of his head still pressing solidly into the forest floor. He squirmed a bit, trying to nudge Little Charles into a less… sensitive position.</p>
<p>     A deep, throaty groan came from above him and the thick digits oh his hips suddenly removed themselves. Charles tried to swallow down a gasp, making an awkward choking sound as the stranger dragged its palms up along his ribs to fondle his “breasts”. Large hands pressed against his chest as the predator’s fingers dug into the firm flesh there.</p>
<p>
  <em>     There aren’t tits there, you mindless horn-dog.</em>
</p>
<p>     The rough groping persisted. Despite Charles’ annoyance, it started feeling… good. A calloused finger occasionally glided over the pink skin of his nipple – sharp tingles that blended into numb heat and sent prickling sensations down Charles’ spine. Broken gasps unwillingly escaped his mouth with each new little surprise as his body continued to betray him. Maintaining his silence became more and more arduous a task. He pressed his lips tight, forcing his mouth to obey. Charles needed to be quiet. He <em>had</em> to. Failure, he reminded himself, meant death. He banged his forehead against the hard dirt, attempting to ground himself.</p>
<p>     Sharp teeth dragged along the crook of his neck, occasionally gnawing the firm muscle beneath them in a soft squeeze. The predator’s hair tingled the back of Charles’ neck as the short, light brown strands brushed against his skin.</p>
<p>     It all… felt good. All this pressure, the heat, the force – it was building. And building. And building. He felt like he was being crushed, he could barely breathe, and it felt <em>wonderful</em>.</p>
<p>     As the predator’s pace picked up, Charles’ body was pushed up along the forest floor. Charles reached out for something to grab, hands finding the spring grass. His fingers gripped the young blades between them in a desperate clench. He pressed the side of his face harder into the ground, a sharp pebble biting into his cheek. He focused on the rock – the sting sobering the rational part of his mind.</p>
<p><em>     Keep… <strong>quiet!</strong> </em>he reminded himself.</p>
<p>     The killer’s head lifted, looming above as it stared intently at Charles’ trapezius muscles. Silver eyes drifted higher, tracing the soft profile of Charles’ face. The prey averted the predator’s gaze, choosing to stare resolutely at the dirt.</p>
<p>     Charles felt the creature’s moist breath dampen his skin. He was swimming in the stifling heat of its body like a suffocating high, the warmth he had been so desperately searching for, finally found. Only it was too much. Too much. Far too much. He was drowning in it. He could hear the fast beating of the predator’s heart despite the blood thrumming so loud in his own ears. Every nerve in his body was on fire. His mind simply couldn’t win this battle. All rationale was overpowered as Charles was lost to a white daze.</p>
<p>     “J-Jesu-nnn-nnnn<strong>aaaaaaahhh~</strong>” He keened, long and loud. His voice cut off into a silent scream as the shuddering orgasm washed over him. The aftershocks dragged on for long moments, his body jolting as his stomach continued to curl and jump. It wasn't until long after they subsided that Charles could finally suck in long, needed gulps of air. It must have been minutes before Charles remembered himself and, more importantly, remembered the creature above him. It wasn’t moving.</p>
<p>     It rolled Charles onto his back and stared down. The Two-striped had definitely heard him that time. Charles lay prone and vulnerable on the forest floor as it shadowed him, upright on its knees.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Oh. Fuck.</em>
</p>
<p>     It looked at him hungrily, eyes fierce as it licked its lips. “Terror” didn’t quite sum-up the place Charles’ mind was at, but it was perhaps the closest word to it. The predator’s eyes roamed over Charles’ body as a low rumble hummed in its throat.  And this continued… for what felt like long minutes, the inevitability of his demise dragging on far too long. Charles was having none of that.</p>
<p>     “Jesus Christ, if you’re going to eat me, just get it over with already!”</p>
<p>     For a moment the creature looked startled, almost taken aback. All too soon its features straightened “… Alright” it growled in a deep, gravelly baritone.  </p>
<p>     And then it smiled – a toothy, fearsome grin: sharp points – not only on its fangs – but filling its whole mouth.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Jesus, is he a snake or a shark?</em>
</p>
<p>     The carnivore grabbed Charles by the calves, tugging his small body towards itself with ease. It gripped his waist and lifted his hips up into the air, only Charles’ shoulders and neck left to support his weight as his body folded – almost in half – with his arse in the air. Charles stared ahead, dazed as his knees dangled in front of his own face. His eyes automatically drew to the motion above him. He trembled as the predator’s eyes bore into his. Beyond anything that Charles had ever experienced, even after being poked, prodded, and studied by humans for years, he had never felt so vulnerable in his life – so utterly helpless. He folded his arms over his face, shielding his vision from the beast – from his fate. <em>Oh God</em>, he couldn’t watch.</p>
<p>     Charles felt the predator’s hands drift toward the round slopes of his buttocks, squeezing and kneading the plush doughiness of his arse.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Wh-what?</em>
</p>
<p>     The creature took a globe in each hand, its thumbs drifted closer to the dip in-between, pressing into the flesh there and without a moment’s hesitation, it spread them apart.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Wait— whoa, WOAH! Where is he touch—</em>
</p>
<p>     “Naah! Kuh<em>—</em>” Charles sucked in a breath as he felt something thin and wet brushing along the cleft of his ass.</p>
<p>     “Wh-what?!” Charles uncovered his eyes to find the predator’s face nestled in-between his cheeks.</p>
<p>
  <em>     He’s— his tounge?!</em>
</p>
<p>     “St… uhh” Charles stuttered. “That’s not—” He reached for the predator’s forehead, his palm struggling to push the stranger away. Charles’ other hand skirted down, fingers attempting to shield the sensitive area that the carnivore was so enthusiastically lapping at. “I’m not…” Charles whined between breaths. The predator wouldn’t relent, face glued to its favorite spot. It panted roughly through its nose as its mouth obsessed over the smooth taste of Charles’ cleft. The breath from its nostrils tickled the skin behind Charles’ balls. Its tongue swirled against the soft pucker again and again. “I’m— nng. I…” The smooth muscle dipped into his hole. <strong>“I’M NOT A WOMAN YOU BLIGHTER!”</strong></p>
<p>     It paused. The creature pulled back, staring down at its prey.</p>
<p>
  <em>     Oh shite… Oh fuck… oh shite oh fuck oh shite.</em>
</p>
<p>     “…Well, obviousssly” it hissed.</p>
<p>     “… What?”</p>
<p>     “… What?”</p>
<p>     The two stared at each other in equal states of confusion.</p>
<p>     “You… already realized I was male?”</p>
<p>     “… Yes” its brows furrowed, hard features painting deep creases on its skin.</p>
<p>     Charles paled “Oh… so then…”</p>
<p>
  <em>     Not a female = no chance of impregnation = no instinct to maintain offspring = I’m fucked.</em>
</p>
<p>     Charles’ Adam’s apple bobbed in his throat as he swallowed down a lump of dry air “… Are you… going to eat me?”</p>
<p>     The predator arched a brow, its toothy grin returning “… I was trying to.”</p>
<p>     After taking a few moments to process that response, Charles’ face heated bright red. The color spread, inflamed and patchy down his neck. Charles sputtered – sounds and possible pieces of the English language attempting to leave his mouth as he squirmed from the creatures grasp. His butt fell back to the floor with a light thump. Despite collecting himself enough to speak again, the blush endured. “I di— I didn’t mean…” rather than finishing that sentence, he decided to rephrase his original question. “Are you going… to kill me?”</p>
<p>     The predator sat back, head tilting as Charles lay prostrate below him. “… Why would I do that?” it asked.</p>
<p>      “You— you have…” Charles pointed at the predator’s mouth “why do you have blood on your face?”</p>
<p>     The Two-striped wiped its hand over its mouth, staring at the dried red flakes on its fingers before looking back to Charles. “Fighting off competition.”</p>
<p>     “… Competition?”</p>
<p>     “To defend a potential mate” it replied simply.</p>
<p>    <em> Defend a...</em></p>
<p>     Charles was mystified, to say the least.</p>
<p>     “… That’s not something… snakes… do… Agonistic mating behaviors are prevalent mostly in mammal, fish, and bird species… Wherever did you learn that?”</p>
<p>     “… Television.”</p>
<p>     Charles stared up at the creature, completely bemused.</p>
<p>     “Shaw liked Animal Planet.” It shrugged lightly.</p>
<p>     “Sssshaw?” Charles tested the unknown word on his tongue.</p>
<p>     “Yes... the human who kidnapped me as a child.” The Two-striped stared into the distance, eyes narrowing dangerously as it began to monologue. “He kept me in a glass container. Shaw spent most of his time in front of the TV, so I didn’t have much of a choice but to watch. The sadistic bastard <em>tortured</em> me. He made me… he made me watch<em> Bridezillas</em>.” The large not-predator began to tremble.</p>
<p>
  <em>     What… is happening?</em>
</p>
<p>     It continued. “I made my escape 17 days ago... One day I shall return. I will find him and take vengeance for my mother.”</p>
<p>
  <em>     Woah, okay… Let’s steer the psycho away from homicidal ideations and a possibly long-winded origin story.</em>
</p>
<p>     Charles interjected “So you’re the reason there’s no one left around here?”</p>
<p>     “Yes.” The large snake replied, easily pulled back into the dialogue. “It’s obviously the most efficient strategy. Without any other suitors in the way, I can be assured of my chances of copulation.”</p>
<p><em>     Okay, that sounded like it came directly out of a documentary. </em>Charles paused.<em> Wait a second, how is this guy even forming coherent thought right now?</em></p>
<p>     “… You seem... strangely lucid while being caught in heat.” Charles pointed out.</p>
<p>     Those steel eyes turned dubious yet again “…Why would I be caught in heat?”</p>
<p>     “My pheromones.”</p>
<p>     The large male looked lost.</p>
<p>     “<em>They</em> are why you mistook me for a woman” Charles chided derisively, indulging the poor fool with a patronizing smile while its heat-addled brain caught up.</p>
<p>     Two-striped returned Charles’ look with a non-impressed one of its own “… I didn’t mistake you for a woman. Your scent is entirely male.”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p><em>     “What</em> are you talking about?”</p>
<p>     "You think you're putting off the scent of a female?"</p>
<p>     "I <em>am</em> putting off the scent of a female."</p>
<p>     “... I’ve met snakes like that – snakes that can manipulate pheromones. You’re not one of them.”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “That’s preposterous!” Charles exclaimed.</p>
<p>     “It's the truth,” it said simply “weather you believe it or not.”</p>
<p>     “No… No, I’ve... I've been able to do it my whole life! How else do you explain the fact that males have always flocked towards me?”</p>
<p>     The not-predator gave him a look.</p>
<p>     “…What? What does that look mean?”</p>
<p>     It blinked slowly, apparently the Two-striped did not believe the question warranted a response.</p>
<p>     “WHAT?” Charles asked (perhaps a bit too loud).</p>
<p>     Charles eyed the creature up and down. He didn’t understand. This guy wasn’t making any sense. <em>And really, there’s not much I don’t understand. This halfwit obviously has some wires crossed. I should just ignore the village idiot. </em>Charles sighed and crossed his arms, looking skeptically at the male above him.</p>
<p>     “You just decided to disregard everything I said, didn’t you?”</p>
<p>     “What?” Charles startled.</p>
<p>     “Perhaps you should stop presuming that you know more than everyone around you.”</p>
<p>     “Pardon me,” Charles sat up on his elbows “but if we compare credibility here, <em>you’re</em> some crazy, Animal Planet fanboy whereas <em>I</em> have a PhD in Genetics, thank you very much.”</p>
<p>     “Really? You? I find that highly unlikely.”</p>
<p>
  <em>     “Excuse me?!”</em>
</p>
<p>     “Some humans just decided to award a PhD to a <em>snake?”</em></p>
<p>     “Well, it’s more of a self-proclaimed title. I mean. There was really no way that a human could judge my credentials…”</p>
<p>     “Mmhm.”</p>
<p>
  <em>     “But still, I studied at Oxford!”</em>
</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “Well, I studied <em>with </em>Oxford scientists.”</p>
<p>     “…”</p>
<p>     “Okay, I was studied<em> by </em>Oxford scientists, jeeze.”</p>
<p>     “And then those <em>brilliant</em> Oxford scientists dumped you here, thousands of miles away from your natural habitat. Impeccable sense a degree gifts, hmm?”</p>
<p>     “Oh, like you’re so smart? You don’t even know how to behave like a snake!”</p>
<p>     “I <em>behave</em> in the way that suits me best. It’s pragmatic.”</p>
<p>     “Yes, well your pragmatism drove <em>everyone</em> away, including the females, you idiot.”</p>
<p>     The Two-striped's eyes turned dark “Look you little shit, I haven’t been driving suitors away for the past 14 days just to be called stupid by a pompous—”</p>
<p>     <strong>“—WAIT. 14?!”</strong> Charles interrupted, face going white. “Did you just say <em>14 days?”</em></p>
<p>     The creature sighed “Yes.”</p>
<p>     “So… the others started waking up 14 days ago?”</p>
<p>     “Yes.” It repeated.</p>
<p>     “So then… spring started…”</p>
<p>     “14 days ago, yes.”</p>
<p>     “I slept in?” Charles let his shoulders fall back to the floor as he stared up at the sky, stunned.</p>
<p>     “You seriously hadn’t realized this until just now? Did you not notice the grass?”</p>
<p>
  <em>     Grass? Grass… Spring grass. Spring. Fucking. Grass.</em>
</p>
<p>     Charles dragged his hands down his face as he groaned. “Fuck. I missed the whole mating season. How the <em>hell</em> did I not wake up sooner? I mean, I know I’m a heavy sleeper but, seriously? Ten days?”</p>
<p>     “I kept them away.”</p>
<p>     “... What?”</p>
<p>     “The idiots who tried to swarm you in your sleep. I kept them at bay.”</p>
<p>     “…You… <em>what?”</em></p>
<p>     “As I told you before,” it sighed “‘fought off the competition’. I protected you. You’re welcome. Now—”</p>
<p>     “Wait…” Charles stared up at Two-striped, replaying those words over and over in his head. But no matter how he spun it, the fact was crystal clear: “<em>I’m</em> the ‘potential mate’?”</p>
<p>     “Yes” it rolled its eyes.</p>
<p>     “… You’ve been mate guarding <em>me?”</em></p>
<p>     “Yes.”</p>
<p>     “For the last fourteen days?”</p>
<p>     “Sixteen, actually.”</p>
<p>     “What?”</p>
<p>     “I found you sixteen days ago. The other males started waking up two days later.”</p>
<p>     Ignoring that piece of information, Charles continued “… And you decided to keep the others from me, indirectly preventing me from <em>waking up?”</em> He growled.</p>
<p>     “Yes.”</p>
<p>     Charles’ teeth ground against each other in his clenched jaw. He took a deep, steadying breath. “… I thought you said I had no pheromones - that you never mistook me for a woman.”</p>
<p>     “Yes.” It replied matter-of-factly.</p>
<p>     Charles hesitated at that, clearly confused. “So… you knew I was male from the beginning?”</p>
<p>     “Yes.”</p>
<p>     “And yet you chose me as a ‘mate’ despite the fact that your actions would bear you no offspring?” Charles questioned, completely baffled.</p>
<p>     “My God, I had no idea I was speaking to Sherlock Holmes” it retorted smoothly.</p>
<p>     “But… that defeats purpose of the instinctual drive for reproduction...” Charles muttered.</p>
<p>     It arched a brow at him. “… I think you’ve spent too much time with those scientists.”</p>
<p>     “And <em>I </em>think you’ve spent too much time in front of the idiot box. There’s <em>obviously</em> something wrong with you. Why the <em>hell</em> would you want to copulate with me?”</p>
<p>     The not-predator leaned down slowly, its face coming dangerously close to Charles’ as it growled, deep and husky “You’re <em>pretty</em>."</p>
<p>     “…………….<strong><em>Haaah???”</em></strong></p>
<p>     After a few moments of contemplative silence (in an uncomfortably close proximity), the Two-striped’s fingers drifted to Charles’ pectorals. Charles stared at the large hands on his chest humorlessly.</p>
<p>     “Oi.” He deadpanned.</p>
<p>     The rough petting began anew – the large snake’s earlier groping resuming as its digits dug into the meat of Charles’ not-breasts.</p>
<p>     “Oi. I’m not a woman.”</p>
<p>     “We’ve established that.”</p>
<p>     “So then, what are you doing?”</p>
<p>     “Teaching you something new.” The Two-striped hissed with its gravelly baritone.</p>
<p>     “Those aren’t—“</p>
<p>     “I’m Erik, by the way.” The Two-str— or rather - <em>Erik</em>, rudely interrupted.</p>
<p>     “Um… Ch… aRles…” Charles voice worked out with difficulty – circumstances being what they were (nimble fingers twiddling his nips like they were goddamn dials on a stereo). After a few moments of head-fog (and honestly, just an inability to know how to deal with the situation), Charles grabbed Erik’s wrists, leveling his gaze. “Look, not that I don’t appreciate your… fascinating expression of free will, I’m not—”</p>
<p>     “Charles.” The name sounded deep and luxurious on Erik’s tongue. “You want to get warm, right? … That’s why you were attempting to trick me with your nonexistent pheromones in the first place, yes?” Charles shut his mouth at that, no longer able to claim the moral high ground in this dispute. Erik’s toothy grin curled up the side of his face. “So, Charles,” he mouthed the vowels of his name slowly as he hissed into his ear. “I’ll get you warm."</p>
<p>     “I— but… this… this isn’t something that snakes <em>do</em>. There’s no chance of reproduction. There’s no <em>point.”</em></p>
<p>     “Point?” Erik huffed against his ear “I <em>want</em> it. So I’m <em>taking</em> it. <em>You </em>don’t seem to hate it either.” Erik gave a purposeful glance down to Charles’ member, now slowly filling out. “As I recall,” silver eyes locked back onto Charles’ “you <em>came,</em> not ten minutes ago.” Charles' blush returned. “And I hadn’t even <em>touched</em> it.” Erik’s hands moved down as his breathing became heavier “… You came like a <em>woman”</em> he whispered. His eyes trailed down Charles’ body as his hands followed, escaping from Charles’ loosened grip as they traveled over his ribs, down to his hips, and over his pale thighs.</p>
<p>     “I—I can’t—”</p>
<p>     “Can’t?” Erik smiled up at him “But you’ve still got two more in you.”</p>
<p>     “…Wha?”</p>
<p>     “Orgasms.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
<hr/>
<p>
  <a href="https://berserkwriting.tumblr.com/post/626839963598782465/hiss-hiss-bish-rating-m-its-honestly-just">Chapter art</a>
</p>
<p>
  <a href="https://berserkwriting.tumblr.com/post/158486578616/did-you-kno-male-garter-snakes-that-need-extra">Original prompt</a>
</p>
<p>And yes, the title was inspired by the song <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z18eMqK9BMM&amp;feature=youtu.be&amp;t=59">Swish Swish Bish</a></p>
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